Not Always What You Think
We are in the final mile of our walk and trying to avoid the mud puddles created by a recent rain and the construction work being done along the side of the road. Benny rounds the corner on his bike. This is not his real name. We make up names for the regulars on our walk, so we can make quick reference. Ah, that appears to be Benny emerging from the pre-dawn morn.
Presuming
I wonder, Where is his wife. Sleeping in today? Usually they walk together and quite slowly. They appear to be in their mid to late seventies. They aren’t the most consistent of walkers, but they do get out quite a bit and always together. My mind runs a bit wild now that I see Benny on his bike minus his wife.
What if she’s hurt? sick? Well, he’s a bastard for being out here without her.
He’s always so chipper, and she looks rather grumpy. Maybe he got tired of her.
Perhaps he’s entering The Tour de France. I can tell he’s definitely NOT on steroids. No medals will be stripped from his collection.
Interacting
I look over at CJ who appears to be thinking of nothing but perhaps the trees, sky, and squirrels. Just as I begin my self-flagellation, Boy, stop thinking about stuff that probably isn’t true, Benny circles around on his bike and rides alongside us.
Good morning!
Good morning! You’re riding today!
He offers further explanation. Yeah, I am riding this around while my wife gets dressed to walk.
We part ways with smiles and waves, and the next half mile is filled with Holy shits and Wows for Benny. This guy is kicking ass. I had thoughts of following him home to see if he has a pool. Maybe he’s in training for a triathlon.
Examining
As a recovering perfectionist, self-doubter, and rather anxious person, I have to make sure to monitor my thoughts to ensure they are fuel for improvements and not useless admonishments. Instead of focusing on what I am not doing, I can reexamine what I am doing, my priorities, and see if they need some adjustment – some tweaking, if you will.
Once upon a time, I was in denial. We’re ok, right CJ? This justification for my actions stemmed from insecurities within myself. If I admitted that someone else was doing it better, where did that leave me? Convincing myself I’m okay. You’re ok. We’re ok. was counterproductive, and I wasted years mired in inaction.
Now, I reflect on my interactions – each and every one. How can I make the most of my time like Benny? Life is short. I’m not sure yet how or if this interaction will affect my actions, but I do know that two weeks later I am still thinking about it.
And you, Jolly reader?
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26 comments about "Not Always What You Think"
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We are Tammy and CJ, and we are tickled pink you chose to spend time with us. Frolic about
a bit, poke around, and get
your snicker on. Now, get over here, so we can pet you and
feed you nuts.
Tammy, it’s wonderful that you reflect on every interaction! I often feel like an alien and that I’m the only one on Earth that reflects on each interaction. It seems like most people are on auto-piot and don’t realize what they say 85% of the time (75% is too cliche.) I learn from my mistakes and like you, I often make presumptions only to learn more later. I quickly fix my thoughts and future-proof myself. Things aren’t always what you think, so indeed future interactions and thoughts need calibration.
Vincent Nguyen recently posted..7 Things to Look For in an Amazing Friendship
Welcome, Vincent! So good to have you here. First, I love your comment about 75% being too cliche. That gave me a good chuckle with my morning coffee. I appreciate hearing what others are thinking and thank you for sharing.
Even though I often think I must be close when I make a presumption (which is crazy based on my past “success” rate), I am delighted when I find out something is even better than I thought – as was the case with Benny. Now I can aspire to be more efficient with my time. Of course, I will stop short of dropping to the floor for a plank when I’m waiting in line for my coffee! Or maybe I’ll get over that too. Who knows what fun awaits?
Great to hear from you, Vincent! Cheers for a Jolly day!
I’m not sure what my success rate is either, actually! It must be less than half because you have to imagine just how hard it is to make an actual assumption about a person simply based off of looks and body language! Sure, you can probably tell if they’re a confident person or not and those sort of… Superficial things. But then you get amazed by their personality and who they are! What they do with their time can make you feel as if you had the wrong idea. It’s sort of cool that life works that way. Could you imagine if you’ve always had things figured out and were never surprised by something? Boring!
Vincent Nguyen recently posted..7 Things to Look For in an Amazing Friendship
Boring, indeed! Great point, Vincent. We write at a coffee shop every morning. Last summer one of the other “regulars” to whom we had never spoken came up to CJ and struck up a conversation. Come to find out, he thought we were a certain type of person, and we had him pegged as a certain type too. Now he is one of our closest friends and epitomizes what you wrote about in your last post. To think we would have missed out on such an opportunity for friendship based on what we thought the other person was like!
I am not yet making the most of my time, but I am getting better at it. I used to think, Well, there are a few issues that need working on, but I’ll get around to them when, really, I barely got around to thinking about them. Now, more and more, I am facing the issues and doing something. Rather than imagining a future where I have taken some action, I am exerting a little effort and taking action now. It is definitely a better way to live.
Rosemary recently posted..19 Questions to Amazing Sex With Your Spouse
Hello Rosemary! I am so with you on that. I am seeing The Procrastinator I Once Was disappear a little more each day in that rearview mirror. With lots of practice, my ability to prioritize has improved. Five or so years ago, I ran around like a crazy person because I felt everything HAD to be done. What stress! And all self-inflicted.
It is always good to hear how others tackle things, so we can add them to our bag of tricks. Many thanks for coming over, and cheers to taking action!
Wow, I want to be like Benny when I hit my mid-to-late seventies!
Great post, Tammy! I like what you’re saying about reflecting on what you’re thinking, and making sure it builds toward who and where you want to be, rather than just keeping you in an endless cycle. I’ve been thinking about something similar lately, reflecting on how our reactions show who we are and where we are inside. It takes focus to keep yourself accountable like you describe, but it’s so very worth it in the end.
Megan Joel Peterson recently posted..Genre boxes and Ella Minnow Pea
Megan, our famous author friend! Yes, we can all learn from Benny. If he only knew we were talking about him….!
I love when you said “our reactions show who we are and where we are inside” – wish I’d written that!
Rosemary mentions taking action. You mention focus and holding ourselves accountable. It is empowering just to know that we hold the cards! Great insight and much appreciated, Megan.
I don’t want to give away details of your book, but let’s just say that things were mighty firey last night, and I was relieved to find one of my favorite characters is ok…for now!
Hey Tammy, the site isn’t letting me reply to your latest comment on the coffee shop friend! That sounds amazing to go to a coffee shop every morning to write. I may have to find a way to squeeze that into my morning ritual… Now I must look up opening hours of a few places!
That is awesome how a great friendship could develop from something so spontaneous! It also broke everyone’s presumptions and that makes me excited. I don’t remember the last time I’ve developed a truly amazing friendship through spontaneity, but there are some!
Vincent Nguyen recently posted..7 Things to Look For in an Amazing Friendship
I hope you find a place with good coffee and good people, Vincent! Our ritual started out as just coffee and conversation. When I was studying for GREs, it turned into coffee and vocabulary words. Now we use it to write our book and connect with others through blogging. It has been a great evolution, and we are excited to see where it goes from here. We hope you are enjoying your evening!
It’s been a great evening actually! Since my last comment here, I’ve since landed my third internship in the past two weeks or so. Very exciting stuff. I’m thinking of just going to my usual Starbucks tomorrow morning and see if I can get a bit of writing done. I wonder what regulars there are in the morning. Thank you for the inspiration
Vincent Nguyen recently posted..7 Things to Look For in an Amazing Friendship
Wow, Vincent! Three internships in two weeks?!? You are having quite a stint, and I hope that you are enjoying every moment! I like how you say “my usual Starbucks” – although I am sure you will find many interesting people there. After all, you’re going, right?
Enjoy your day, and we love hearing about your successes.
I love this post, Tammy. I felt like I was right beside you on the path.
I have my own little “Not Always What You Think Story.” This past week I was getting a little anxious, because I hadn’t heard from a single hiking buddy I share coupons with. Almost a whole week went by. I started to think, “Did I alienate them? Are they upset with me? Are they starting to distance themselves, because I’m doing this whole on-line thing and they don’t understand it?
Turns out one has been tied up in work meetings all week and getting home late. Another had it on her list to do but hadn’t gotten to it yet. And the third hasn’t been on the computer at all, because it’s broken.
It’s amazing how we can get so caught up in our own universe and think it’s all about us!
Lori Stalter recently posted..Your Quickstart Foundation for Stress Reduction & Weight Loss
Ah, Lori! Happy Friday! I am so glad you shared your story. Yours is like so many of mine that run that shameless path through my brain only to be proven wrong. With your Guided Breathing, I am sure to reign in some of those wild thoughts and “let them be” or just notice them.
It is a bit scary to be in this virtual world and wonder what everyone thinks about it. I wonder if people are reading or if, by letting our lives be put out there for observation, they think differently of us. I have to be ok with the fact that we are putting ourselves out there so that others may connect, may share some part of their lives, and hopefully grow and learn with us. I know we have learned so much from others, and it has taken me five months to feel comfortable in my own blogging skin. Some will love what we offer, some will not, and that is ok.
Thank you for sharing this honest reflection so that others may connect and benefit. Much appreciation!
Greetings, guyz!
Like you, Tammy, I often *make up stories* about people I haven’t really interacted with. I KNOW that I’m only guessing, and entertaining myself, though.
Just heard about a tool that Lissa Boles (the Soul Mapper.com) calls the “Inner-Dialog Log”: keeping track of “How you feel About how you feel”
~ it’s not about trying to fix/Ii>, or even change, just making note of the meta-emotions that are going on… subtle changes will come, just from the noticing…
Bright Blessings ~
Karen J recently posted..Aaahhh! Fairyland…
Jolly greetings, Karen! So good to see you here. Oh, I love what you mention about not trying to change or even fix the meta-emotions – just notice! So right up my alley and what I am working towards. It only makes sense. In education, we’re always trying to get students to engage in metacognition, so why should we ignore (or conversely, “hop on”) every emotion. For many years, I was a fixer – always jumping in and trying to fix every little thing. By not acting on every thought that enters my head, I have freed up time to prioritize and automate some really important things.
We very much appreciate your comments and love to see you here. Thank you for popping in. I hope you find some interesting people today, so you can make up some great stories! Cheaper than the movies!
Like you say Tammy, for those of us who are inclined to suffer from anxiety fuelled perfectionism, self-criticism comes far more naturally to mind than productive thinking. I can fall into that trap of self-admonishment all too easily myself; and again, like you say, self-condemnation is the antithesis of productivity and fulfilment.
I guess ‘Benny’ offers that prime example of someone who just lives life to the full; someone who focuses on his strengths instead of his weaknesses. People of such a naturally positive disposition are always an inspiration; particularly like you said Tammy, for those of us who have to actively gear our thoughts away from self-admonishment towards improvement and progress.
Gareth recently posted..Not Your Typical Advice for Overcoming Procrastination
Gareth, so good to have you here! I was so inspired by Benny’s don’t-waste-a-minute attitude. Instead of milling around, he hopped on his bike and made the most of it. I have found, and I hope you find this too, that it takes a great deal of practice to cultivate this mindset. Mired in years of procrastination, I was always waiting for the “perfect” moment to begin.
When I acquire reliable information, like I did in your last post, I am prompted to get moving. Pick that one thing to single task, and do it. Take that one piece of sand through the hourglass. Prioritizing is key. I am in the midst of several things right now, but I thought, It can wait! Gareth is visiting with his thoughtful comments. We hope you are getting ready to enjoy a great weekend and look forward to more of your writing!
I’m touched that you found my post so helpful Tammy. If our efforts can have the slightest positive impact then we have spent our time well; so I feel content in that knowledge.
I hope you have been able to glide through your ‘several things’ with relative stress-free ease (I know myself that even with the best of strategies, those nagging background thought processes can make such an accomplishment no mean feat).
They say it takes at least 20 minutes to recover from every interruption and to regain your train of thought; so please don’t interrupt what you’re doing just to respond to my comment…I would rather you get on with what you need to do stress-free
It is a beautiful day here – a promising early sign of spring. It’s lunch time already here, but I think you’re probably a few hours behind me (and no doubt a few degrees warmer as well). So I hope you have an enjoyable Spring walk this morning followed by a relaxing day.
Ah, by no means are your comments ever a distraction, Gareth. Quite the opposite. We love having these interactions. I choose which sands go through the hourglass, so I choose Jollyhoombah friends!
We, too, are experiencing a beautiful Sunday. It is a little chilly here for us, but we won’t complain as I know people who live north and are experiencing a harsher version of winter have no sympathy for our Texas “cold spells.” We’re are about to head out to a cafe to sip tea and dream big. I hope you are enjoying every minute of your beautiful day.
A lot happens during a simple daily walk, doesn’t it? You are inspiring me to get started with the habit along with my wife….perhaps this summer! I like the guided breathing stuff (trombone thing, I guess).
It is really cool to see all of the comments you are getting on the posts lately. Very neat!!
Have a wonderful weekend!
Tony@WeOnlyDoThisOnce recently posted..How to Live Without Using Credit Cards
Oh, Tony, if I could only tell you how many times I have said to CJ, “This walk is the best thing that ever happened to us,” or some version of that. We have grown so much from the solitude, conversations, and playful banter. I look forward to hearing about your walks with your wife this summer.
Yes, we are delighted to have everyone here. We have you to thank since we “met” a few people on your blog. Gareth and Vincent are charming and insightful. We are so happy to have you all. We are so much better for these exchanges.
Many thanks, and enjoy your weekend!
That’s what it is all about…”meeting” people, right?? Since we spend the summers in VT at our camp, you can probably imagine that the walks are to die for. Have a great weekend!
Tony@WeOnlyDoThisOnce recently posted..How to Live Without Using Credit Cards
Yes, it is all about meeting people, Tony. It has been so rewarding.
We are from Upstate NY and can certainly imagine the beauty of your walks. Houston is not what one would consider beautiful, but we have found a little haven. There are a few trails about the city too. Every once in a while, they even leave some trees when they do new construction!
Jess is a new member on the road of recovering perfectionists. She still finds herself slipping into self doubt now. She really connected with the comment about making every interaction important.
I gave up being a perfectionist a long time ago (did I even start?). I want to know more about Benny’s story. I’m fascinated by people stories, especially loving couples. And I want to hear how he goes in the triathlon.
Mark Adam Douglass (@MADouglass) recently posted..Inspirational Human Connections
Hello Mark or MAD as CJ affectionately calls you! Tell Jess that we can get through this together. If it is our habit to self-doubt, we can find ways to cue ourselves. Of course, I utilized CJ a lot at first. Much like the two of you, we cue each other in a positive direction. Sometimes it’s a gentle but firm kick in the pants – if, in fact, something can be gentle but firm. I do believe it can.
Yes, we too hope to find out more about Benny. One day he was helping his wife on the side of the road. At first, we thought she might have fallen. As we approached, we could see he was helping her tie her shoes. If that isn’t as cute as a kitten, I don’t know what is! Always a happy day when you stop by, Mark!