Grateful for My Lovely Hair and Nails Wife

Posted on Wednesday, August 14, 2013 by cj in Save Your Marriage | Leave a comment (35)

I’ve been pondering hair and nails.  8.11.13 003Today, I even bought nails, so heavily that they weighed on my mind.  But I purchased no hair at all. I paid $10 for fake nails at Sally Beauty Supply.  That’s far more than the usual $6 I pay for the same number of nails, so they had better stand up to the guitar strings and all my pluck, pluck, plucking.  Or is it plinking?  I like both, really.

My Terrific Tips with Clear Vision were out – forever.  Discontinued, explained the clearly amused clerk.  I nearly puked, but kept my cool and asked for an alternative.

The Price of Euphony

There is a tiny subculture of our society, of classical guitar players whose nails are too brittle or weak or grow in a fashion non-conducive to a beautiful, full timbre.  Belonging to this cadre of freaks means that once every 7-10 days, I must remove my old fakies and secure new ones.  It’s only my middle and ring finger of my right hand, but it takes an awful effort to get them perfect, which they absolutely must be.  How about a glance at the process?

  1. Soak old nails in 100% acetone for about 15 minutes
  2. Spill a bit of acetone on the coffee table, curse, yet amuse myself with the interesting pattern it leaves
  3. Use the acetone container with scratchers, twisting and scrubbing the remainder of goo off
  4. File and sand paper, with 500 grade, what is left of my natural nails
  5. Glue new nails on
  6. Tear my glued fingers apart and make lots of grunts and obscenities
  7. Cut new nails down to size from Guinness Book of World Records length
  8. File and sand paper to perfection
  9. Test the new nails with a familiar tune
  10. Whine and cry that the fakies are contorting my fragile flesh to their will and causing horrible agony
  11. Wish that I went the path of Eddy Van Halen and could play with a hearty beer buzz obviating the need for all this hassle

Because I know so well the ritual and toil of fake nails, I have insight on how difficult and time consuming it might be to address beauty in a synthetic, Sally Beauty Supply kind of way.  Why would women burden themselves with such physical torture?   

An Embarrassment of Riches

Lustrous hair and long shiny nails are advertisements for a fertile woman and in some cases a man of remarkable taste.  So it is  no surprise that stores and businesses abound that can help us achieve perfect hair and nails.  Hundreds, if not thousands, of songs allude to the blandishments of blood red finger tips or the girl with the flaxen hair.

What could be wrong with healthy hair and nails?  Nothing.  I have the nicest nails of all and spend a great deal of time shaping and buffing.  But the modern day courtesans go far beyond what is necessary to entice.  It is not only the tawdry nails, all form and no function, but the hair, the bags, the shoes, the perfect ensemble for the perfect occasion for the perfect people in the the perfect dining establishment in the trendiest part of town at 9:00 p.m. sharp!

Sophistication Smack-Down

My wife, the tiniest Jollyhoo, does not pretend to be beautiful.  She is.  Sir Jolly is overjoyed that Lady Hoombah need not blow vast expanses of her precious time to hide, distort and sully what is already purely alluring.  No make up, no shiny designer bag big enough to house a keg, no $200 hair cuts, no pumps, no nail “art.”  And she relies on my nail expertise to learn proper filing and sanding.

I say all this running the risk of a love letter post that will have readers rolling their eyes and running for the restroom to relieve their roiling bellies.  In order to avoid such unpleasantness, let us reach the essence of this matter without further flattery.

Oh, the howling lament for the time and money!!!  Oh, the folly that so many feel as though it is easier to appear beautiful than to be beautiful!

How do you make and retain your resplendent beauty?  Do you or have you sacrificed much money or time to be beautiful?  Is it or was it worth the trouble?  Please share in comments.

Our book, The End of Wishing Our Days Away is 50% off through Labor Day on Smashwords!  Please use coupon code SY73W and enjoy a good dose of goofy!!!


35 comments about "Grateful for My Lovely Hair and Nails Wife"

  1. To be honest, I’m a bit of a product junkie. I love stuff! Lotions, perfumes, shampoos, makeup products. And nail polish! It’s just fun.
    Daisy @ Prairie Eco Thrifter recently posted..5 Reasons Mature Adult Offspring Fear “The Money Talk” with their ParentsMy Profile

    • Daisy!! How can I deny someone their fun?! Anything in the name of fun is alright by me. And you know, nail polish is fun. I’ve just begun playing around with Sally Hansen’s Hard as Nails. I am doing away with the fakies and going back to my natural nails. They sound better and it is far less hassle to apply the polish than it is to glue on nails. And it is far less painful. Oh, my poor little digits! My tiny guitar sausages! My most delicate mitts!

      Thanks for commenting and have a peach tree Thursday!

      • What a delightful response for my eat-”better”-and-you-might-avoid-all-that brain to see first thing, cj!
        How long have you been using the fakes? I’d bet it’s been longer than you-guyz have been consciously “living more healthy lives”? I hope you’ll be surprised how quickly the real ones come back, better than before!

        :) K
        Karen J recently posted..On Cigarettes… mine in particular :) My Profile

        • And how they are coming back so nicely, Karen!!! I am pleased as punch with my naturals. To hell with the fakies!!! To hell!!! And the fakies did indeed come prior to the grand health kick, early 2010. You are a perceptive one, KJ. Always love to have your added value input over here!

          Fun on a gluten-free bun for you!

  2. The beauty industry has turned women into female impersonators. Just like those guys, we are expected to shave, pluck, buff, polish, paint, spackle, tease, spray, contort, gird, conceal, and transform our selves in order to personify somebody’s unnatural fantasy of feminine beauty. Weird.
    Rosemary recently posted..I Need Your OpinionMy Profile

    • Rosemary!!! Such a sweet bird song to read your words with my second cup this morning. This female impersonators I love as a phrase of derision for the ubiquitous Stepford Wives that have invaded Houston and not just in the trendy spots of town, but everywhere. The reason escapes me for all this toil when simple fitness and common courtesy is all that is needed to impress any decent mate.

      Thanks for commenting Rosemary and have a beetle in the summer rain day!

    • The media does it, Rosemary. That’s why for most people physical appearance is more important than character.
      Marissa @ Thirty Six Months recently posted..Chicago: Blogher StyleMy Profile

  3. I’m fairly easy now that I don’t have long hair and all I need is a bit of gel and I’m good to go. My wife has beautiful hair that gets trimmed every so often and grows her own nails which can get super long, but beautiful. I don’t think it’s necessary to spend a fortune on keeping beautiful especially if you are naturally beautiful although many people feel the need or they have the money to get pampered. Don’t get me wrong, if I was loaded I’d be at the spa too, why not… lol.
    canadianbudgetbinder recently posted..You’re cheap if you decorate rooms frugallyMy Profile

    • Mr. C-B-B!!!! I made CBB bold because that is what you are. Not like in a Prince’s When Doves Cry kind of way, but in a damn good BBQ sauce type of way.

      Ha! I’ve used gel too and what a waste of time and money and how nasty, greasy, sticky my head was. Why did we do these things, CBB?

      Now getting pampered is something to consider. Perhaps I’ll give each right hand nail a little extra buffing today and give them 30 min off from practice today. How’s that? Really though, pampering seems though it may go much further if we first put in the time to make our bodies gorgeous and fit. Then we can fully appreciate and enjoy the pampering rather than attempting to polish up a gnarled up, uncared for body and wondering if the time and money at the spa were worth it after all.

      Hoping you you have a banana split on a water slide day!

      • Isn’t pampering as much for your heart and soul, as for your body, though?

        “I can’t have (won’t allow myself) this nice thing until I do that (really) hard thing” internal assault-and-battery seems counter-productive to the max: Ya feel bad about it, so ya make yurself feel worse… How can that produce progress??

        • Karen J!!! Thanks for leaving a comment. What an inviting question! I am all for pampering and comfort. I am Sir Jolly after all. But I must not get pampering confused with being a slave to one’s image or to covering a flaw with something paid for rather than something earned.

          The last thing Sir Jolly wants is for anyone to feel bad. Feeling bad is often a path to feeling good too. It can be the catalyst for action. The Hoombah is a place for feeling good and hopefully, we are leaving the Hoombah with a song in our heart and a banana in our ear.

          Have a guilt free and super fun day, Karen J!

  4. I am THE WORST at taking care of my nails. It’s just not something I think about. Sometimes I look at them and am so embarrassed!
    Holly@ClubThrifty recently posted..Being a Landlord: It’s Not All Puppies and CupcakesMy Profile

    • Holly of the illustrious Club Thrifty!!! Please. Be proud of your gnarled up nails like Tammy is. I only spend hours a week on my nails because of the classical guitar. Besides, as Katie so beautifully explained, “If you are healthy and take good care of yourself, your hair and nails will look good.
      (Among other things!)”

      Have a blogging juggernaut of a Thursday!!!

  5. I think itis so wonderful that you love your wife just the way she is! In my opinion, nothing looks more beautiful than health. If you are healthy and take good care of yourself, your hair and nails will look good.
    (Among other things!)

    Katie recently posted..Project 333 UpdateMy Profile

    • Katie!! Swell to have your thoughts as I savor my first cup this morning. Although I am slightly chagrined to do so, you must be thanked for summing up my prolix post in fewer than 100 words!!! And the subtle touch (Among other things!) you left at the end of your comment is far more important than the parenthesis suggest too. Fitness is for mate seeking and retention. It always has been and always will be no matter how badly our American society wants to deny it;)

      Have a healthy, shiny, and fun Thursday!!!

  6. I had no idea guitarists used fake nails to help with their hearty plucking. I hate fake nails on women. They actually rather gross me out. I’m no hippie, but I’m anti make-up, perfume and fake nails. But as a tool for a guitarist, I’ll have to give a pass. Don’t they have those plastic things that slide over your fingertip for plucking? I guess that wouldn’t be as sturdy, though, eh?
    Pretired Nick recently posted..The best mortgage term: 10 yearsMy Profile

    • PT Nick!!! So good to have your thoughts! Yes, classical players on their left hand only and they need not much nail, less than a centimeter. They used to gross me out too and they were supremely embarrassing in HS and college. But I keep them very, very clean and short and well shaped as my timbre depends on it.

      The finger picks offer no where near the precision required for the classical discipline. They are great for folk and country, but not classical or Flamenco.

      Anti-make-up, perfume and fake nails it is. Me too and could not have summed up better, Nick! Thanks for commenting and have a blistering Thursday full of wild twists and turns!

  7. CJ, you and Tammy sound just like Rob and me. Rob spends hours getting ready each morning (instead of nails, though, he has his ‘stache!). I got the lowest maintenance haircut I could find, so I can brush it, brush my teeth, grab one of my 5 outfits, and go!

    I wore make-up yesterday, when I went to go buy the manager a coffee in the morning, after my daughter flooded her apartment at night (long story there–apparently city water has higher water pressure than well water). Anyway, I came back, after riding in my un-air-conditioned car, and my face was melting off! It looked seriously freaky! I’ve concluded that you can’t wear make-up in Houston, if you actually go outside.

    • Bethany! How peachy to read your comment! Ha! I always wondered about stache care, and now I know. It’s no joke, huh? 5 outfits!? That’s remarkable and commendable. No wasted time in your closet deliberating over style. Love it loud, Bethany R!

      I’ve heard the same from other H-Town gals. The humidity is just too much for the make-up. Perhaps there is such a thing as heat/humidity resistant make-up, but I bet you’d pay dearly for that technology. No worries though. By mid-October, the heat ought to begin to abate.

      Have a simply delicious day!

  8. Oh, the things we do for beauty. I did a lot more of that stuff when I was single. I had a lot of products for a man. I did my research too. I found the best shampoo I could find to make my hair appear healthy. One day when I was getting my haircut, I asked what kind of shampoo was the best to use to get healthy hair and I was surprised that they one they recommended was the one I was already using.

    Now I don’t put as much into it. I do still go to the gym and work out several times a week, but I consider being in good shape to be about more than just looks.
    Steve recently posted..Do Successful People Regularly Lie, Cheat and Steal?My Profile

    • Steve! A delight to see your words here! The single peeps must have a far more difficult time with this, as you suggest. Surely, I did more with my hair, but not my nails. They are of more value now than they were then. They are now used for our business. I should have done more with my fitness however. I should have exerted myself then and perhaps I’d be doing more of the fine tuning now;)

      When we see a figure 20, 30, 40 yards away, hair, nails, make-up, clothing, etc will make not a soupcon of difference, but the shape of that figure’s body will. And it will be that much more impressive close up. Excellent value added as always with your comment, Steve! Have a beanstalk Thursday!

  9. Lol! I need to take better care of my nails. I used to get manicures but stopped to save the extra $30/month.
    MonicaOnMoney recently posted..Back to School Savings: Go Shopping in Your Own ClosetMy Profile

    • Monica! Thanks for popping a comment over here! I am sure your nails are fine, even without the $30 manicures. Your delightful comments give a hint of who you really are and that means far more than the state of your nails. Hope you have a flowing gown in the breeze with a martini Thursday!

  10. Though I am not a fan of long fingernails on a man, I am willing to set aside my distaste in return for beautiful music!

    As for the beauty part; it’s funny how hubby tells me I’m beautiful “au naturel” yet when I do put in a bit of effort (read: comb my hair and “do” my face) them I’m even more so… Hmmm…
    Dale recently posted..No ExcusesMy Profile

    • Dale! Super to have your thoughts! Long nails on a man are indeed distasteful and they have been a source of utter fury and embarrassment for me since 1987. But they sound so darn nice on the guitar. I keep them clean, short and perfectly shaped and seems to lessen their negative effects on my life.

      Aha!!!! Your second point had yet to be explored here! Well done! Products can be discreetly and sparingly used to enhance what already exists! Without your “au naturel” efforts, the products are just gonna seem silly and appear superficial as they are;)

      Have a sweet watermelon Thursday!

  11. I had no idea you could play with fake nails, at the beginning of the post I thought you were trying to save on mediators by buying nails by the dozen haha. I don’t spend much on beauty, make up on very rare occasions, a $2 haircut, and the Guatemalan sun does the rest.
    Pauline recently posted..Make money with your gardenMy Profile

    • Pauline! A lovely sight to see your thoughts here! I had a complete aversion to the idea of using fake nails to play years ago, but my master instructor used them and plays like a mofo. Here he is: Such a shame now that I am considering going natural again after a trip to NY where I removed the nails for 10 days. My naturals are thin and weak, but since they had time to breathe, they came back nice. And they sound good. With Sally Hansen’s Hard as Nails, they may have a chance!

      $2 haircuts! Only Tammy’s are less expensive, but sometimes I end up with a stripe up the back of my head, but it makes for such a nice and entertaining post;) Have a tremendously fun Thursday, Pauline!

  12. CJ, I don’t want to alarm your delightful jollyness (jolliness?), but is acetone safe to use? I’m with Tammy–nailcare is a giant waste of time and money, and in fact, I’m currently in the works of researching what’s greenest and safest for nails, so that’s why the acetone hit my radar screen. My little girl is a true “girly-girl” and has been begging me for nail polish (which I can’t stand), so I needed to find something safe for her. Sooner or later, I’m going to post about it, so thanks for reminding me that I need to get down to brass tacks and tackle the topic already! Just curious, why don’t you use a guitar pick?
    P.S. I agree that Tammy is beautiful.
    Joy @ Joyfully Green recently posted..“Busy Bees” and a Lesson in PatienceMy Profile

    • Joy! A dash of happiness to have your thoughts today! I doubt that acetone is safe at all given its disgusting odor. Tammy has just informed however that I can use simple nail polish to remove polish. I needed the acetone for the fakies, but I may be going natural once more. I know, I know, the whims of the Jollyhoos!

      I’d love to learn more from your research on the greenest and safest ways to take off nails/polish and a hearty thanks to your daughter for that!

      Ah, an excellent question. Picks are grand to be sure, but they are for either strumming or for one note at a time. Classical players often play two or more notes that are not on adjacent strings and often play a bass line and melody simultaneously making picks clunky and cumbersome. So using the index, middle, and ring finger of the right or plucking hand really comes in handy for executing the complex passages of classical music. Please accept my apologies for all the music jargon.

      Tammy will be tickled and pickled to see your kind words here! Brilliant comment, Joy, as always and have a tasty on!!!

  13. Hi CJ, when I was a kid, my father wanted to learn to play classical guitar. For Christmas one year my mother got him a guitar and lessons. He practiced every night for years and that’s what I heard as I fell to sleep. It’s a hard-wired part of my memory…and he got really good. He, too, had nails longer than your typical man, although he didn’t need the extra help of the fakies!

    As for me, I use less and less “product” these days but I do think that wearing a little makeup makes me feel more attractive. That’s probably because I worked in Corporate America for a gazillion years and it was part of my “outfit.” I often go for days without it now but still feel a little perkier with my face done!

    Thanks for bringing up some good memories…Ree
    Ree Klein recently posted..5 Money Lessons I Discovered While Riding My BikeMy Profile

    • Ree!!! Thanks for a tasty comment snackeroo! What a marvelous memory, fading off to the melodies of the classical guitar played by your own father. And what’s perhaps even more is that your mother provided the instrument and the lessons. To me, it sounds like a wild fantasy. Would that it were the same in my childhood home. I have no idea how I became so enchanted with music.

      Most players do not need the fakies. I was just fortunate to have weak brittle nails, but I may have found a Sally Hansen solution this problem!

      Your make-up only highlights what already exists. Your photo makes this plain as day and your perky charm shines through in your writing as well. Have a tumble down the green mountain in a barrel Friday!

  14. It takes me about 30 minutes to get ready in the morning and that includes shaving! My brother plays the guitar and he used to use nail hardener on his nails, still does if I’m not mistaken. Long-term exposure to acetone may cause damage to nervous system but there are little effects for short-term use however, I would avoid inhaling too much of the stuff.
    Paul @ The Frugal Toad recently posted..Ways to Boost Your Credit RatingMy Profile

    • 30 seconds!!!!???? And with a shave no less. I am suddenly feeling a bit inadequate and small. Time to reevaluate my morning routine. Methinks I can shave off a few minutes;) What’s your secret, Paul? Please do tell…

      The nail hardeners are not bad, especially this Sally Hansen’s Hard as Nails stuff. Working like a charm so far and only cost me $2 on sale at an HEB. I sincerely appreciate the sobering info on the acetone. Your comment has me searching an alternative tonight as my thinking processes are already slow enough. I really ought to have know by the powerful and disgusting odor of the stuff. Truly nasty!

      Have a Manic Monday, Paul!

  15. I laughed to myself when I read this today! I just came back from weeks in the woods…haven’t shaved or cut my hair. My nails look like fangs. It’s really bad, guys! But let’s see: Later today I will take my $20 Wahl electric shears and do the hair. 99 cent nail clippers, and old washcloth, and (a VERY expensive) Mach 3 razor..those things are WAY too much money! I will be good as new :). Soap from Trader Joes.
    tony@WeOnlyDoThisOnce recently posted..How Much Money Should You Save?My Profile

    • Tony!!! How grand to read your words! When fine music is involved, there is no room for grooming and the like. The meaner you feel, the better you play! But a nice shave, hair cut and nail clipping will feel fantastic! The mach 3 does seem expensive, but how does it perform? My guitar and your trombone are expensive too, but we would not settle for less, would we?

      Thanks for commenting, Tony and have a squeaky clean week!

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