I’ve been pondering hair and nails. Today, I even bought nails, so heavily that they weighed on my mind. But I purchased no hair at all. I paid $10 for fake nails at Sally Beauty Supply. That’s far more than the usual $6 I pay for the same number of nails, so they had better stand up to the guitar strings and all my pluck, pluck, plucking. Or is it plinking? I like both, really.
My Terrific Tips with Clear Vision were out – forever. Discontinued, explained the clearly amused clerk. I nearly puked, but kept my cool and asked for an alternative.
The Price of Euphony
There is a tiny subculture of our society, of classical guitar players whose nails are too brittle or weak or grow in a fashion non-conducive to a beautiful, full timbre. Belonging to this cadre of freaks means that once every 7-10 days, I must remove my old fakies and secure new ones. It’s only my middle and ring finger of my right hand, but it takes an awful effort to get them perfect, which they absolutely must be. How about a glance at the process?
Because I know so well the ritual and toil of fake nails, I have insight on how difficult and time consuming it might be to address beauty in a synthetic, Sally Beauty Supply kind of way. Why would women burden themselves with such physical torture?
An Embarrassment of Riches
Lustrous hair and long shiny nails are advertisements for a fertile woman and in some cases a man of remarkable taste. So it is no surprise that stores and businesses abound that can help us achieve perfect hair and nails. Hundreds, if not thousands, of songs allude to the blandishments of blood red finger tips or the girl with the flaxen hair.
What could be wrong with healthy hair and nails? Nothing. I have the nicest nails of all and spend a great deal of time shaping and buffing. But the modern day courtesans go far beyond what is necessary to entice. It is not only the tawdry nails, all form and no function, but the hair, the bags, the shoes, the perfect ensemble for the perfect occasion for the perfect people in the the perfect dining establishment in the trendiest part of town at 9:00 p.m. sharp!
My wife, the tiniest Jollyhoo, does not pretend to be beautiful. She is. Sir Jolly is overjoyed that Lady Hoombah need not blow vast expanses of her precious time to hide, distort and sully what is already purely alluring. No make up, no shiny designer bag big enough to house a keg, no $200 hair cuts, no pumps, no nail “art.” And she relies on my nail expertise to learn proper filing and sanding.
I say all this running the risk of a love letter post that will have readers rolling their eyes and running for the restroom to relieve their roiling bellies. In order to avoid such unpleasantness, let us reach the essence of this matter without further flattery.
Oh, the howling lament for the time and money!!! Oh, the folly that so many feel as though it is easier to appear beautiful than to be beautiful!
How do you make and retain your resplendent beauty? Do you or have you sacrificed much money or time to be beautiful? Is it or was it worth the trouble? Please share in comments.
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